Mom Goals: How to be a Hockey Mom/ Musician
A face off of opposing pursuits.
On a late August afternoon during a family vacation, my husband received a text from the manager of our 11 year old son’s hockey team, surprised that she didn’t see Josh’s name on the roster. I responded: “that’s impossible, I am certain that I signed him up during early bird registration last spring!” In our household, Grant does the volunteer coaching, and I handle all of the kid registrations.
But when I checked online, it was shockingly clear that I had somehow failed to register him, and now there were no more spots available in the league.
I clearly dropped the ball (or the puck, as the case may be.)
For Josh, hockey provides a great sense of joy and pride. He loves being part of a team, giving his best performance on the ice, and the thrill of scoring a hard earned goal. In short, it serves his soul.
How could I have let him down like this?
I recall back in April I was super focussed on getting ready for the June release of my album ENCORE! between trips to the East Coast to perform, on top of juggling daily family life. Somehow hockey registration must have fallen through the cracks.
This oversight instantly sent me down a familiar shame spiral, one that flares up any time my artistic pursuits collide with my role as a mother and “Homemaker.” Suddenly, this small registration hiccup felt like an enormous West Coast mountain of a mistake that landed me in my own psychological penalty box.
Much like raising kids, a career in music is a demanding proposition that often requires a lot of personal sacrifice. Whether it’s missing the first day of school (in Vancouver) because you’re in studio recording Christmas songs (in Toronto) *ahem*, or if you’re just rushing through bedtime stories because you have a song idea that you absolutely must get down. Either way, you end up missing something.
Performing and songwriting for me is more than just a job, it’s a crucial part of my identity, it’s how I find meaning in the world. Alongside the deep yearning that I’ve always had to be a mother, I also have this relentless calling towards music. (And now the yearning and the calling are bickering in the backseat of my brain, while I’m just trying to KEEP CALM and DRIVE.)
Likewise for Josh, he doesn’t just play hockey… he is a hockey player.
My husband spent the next few weeks pleading with the league and apologizing for our registration blunder, but things were not looking good for his chances of getting in, as it was already overcrowded.
Then last week, just as I was leaving the house to meet my community of Mom friends for our weekly Friday morning Coffee Club, I received the news that it likely wasn’t going to happen for this season.
As I rode my bike through our neighbourhood to the coffee shop, tears began streaming down my face. This screw up confirmed a deep seeded anxiety of mine- that I am too focussed on my career, and not enough on my family.
I wondered if I should turn around and confine myself to my house with these thoughts, but in an ongoing pursuit to live my life with more vulnerability and authenticity and connection, I carried on. As soon as I saw my friends, my face crumpled. My sweet community of school Mom pals listened and offered words of support and understanding.
They know all too well what Mom Guilt feels like.
They assured me that of course my family is #1 for me. But internally, the struggle feels more like a tie game, where I am the ultimate referee.
Earlier this week my friend Justin Rutledge shared a video on Instagram announcing that he is taking time off from music to focus on family and raising his two young boys. It resonated deeply with me and many other musical-parent peers.
He said: “I’ve made a concise decision to take time away from writing, because right now my capacity is very limited in terms of what I can do creatively. I tried to fit it in, I couldn’t. I found myself getting angry and frustrated with myself and my wife, and resenting certain things, and so I just dropped it and I feel a lot better.”
Sometimes trying to juggle two full time roles means you never really feel like you’re succeeding at either. But as my friend (and songwriting mentor) Ryan recently said to me: “In the grand scheme, your kids are so fortunate to have a mom who is an artist that can teach by example what it means to have your own soul and devote to it, and prioritize it.”
Buoyed by the support of friends, fellow artists and my husband, I was slowly crawling out of my shame spiral, when yesterday morning, out of the blue we received the happy news that due to high registration this season, another hockey team would be added and our son could play.
Josh is going to get back out on the ice and do what he loves to do best, and me, I’m gonna keep chasing every opportunity to fulfill my lifelong passion for being a musician while doing some fancy mother stick handling… cuz you miss every shot you don’t take.
Some Western Canadian dates coming up:
November 8th The National Music Centre, Calgary, AB
November 9th The Arden Theatre, St. Albert, AB
November 14th Charlie White Theatre, Sidney, BC
November 15th Surrey Arts Centre, Surrey, BC
A few things I’m loving lately:
Local Vancouver birth and postpartum care agency Brood, made up of a professional team of caregivers, providing personalized physical, emotional and informational in-person birth and postpartum doula services as well as online courses, aimed at providing care and education for families of all shapes and sizes. YES!
This song and video from local country crooner Bob Sumner:
This event hosted by my husband, featuring incredible musical guests Neil Osborne, Dawn Pemberton and Lindi Ortega, taking place on Friday September 27th at The Chief Sepass Theatre in Langley, BC and Saturday September 28th at The Raven’s Cry Theatre in Sechelt, BC TICKETS AVAILABLE HERE!
Le temps se divise par deux, mais la qualité de la présence se multiplie par deux. As a wife and a mother, you may bring a special light and softness to songs, vidéos, concerts ; and back home, a wide love and joy from artist gift shared with public.
Love all the hockey analogies...I sense a song? And ditto on the mom shame - it is constant. But what your wise friend said about it teaching by example is so true. Kids learn so much from us just being our authentic selves - and your self is a great role model!